Five Steps to Conflict Resolution At Home and Abroad

22 January 2011

PATRICK BUTLER. Under The Waterfall

Communication – in and of itself – is often mistakenly seen as the key to conflict resolution. It is not. As a rabbi once told me, “We understand perfectly what (our opponents want). They want us dead.”

On the other hand, the very lack of communication from infrequent contact within intra-group relationships – as well as interpersonal relationships- may lead to misunderstanding and conflict arising from gross misconceptions of another’s goals or motivations. There certainly is a balance between contact, constructive contact and no contact.

Take Iraq, for example, as a prime intra-group communication interaction. The new goal for American troops to leave the country recently stated by the Iraqi government, is one year from this month – maybe. There is still contentious talking in Iraq over this on-going issue.

Five years ago the Associated Press reported that electricity minister Ahyam al-Samarie had attempted talks with the Army of the Mujahedeen, or “Holy Warriors.” He appealed to the insurgent groups leaders by telling them their ideas and concepts were very unclear to the rest of the world.

Five years later, the same could be said of most Americans – even American Muslims I’ve spoken with – about what is “going on” over there with all the various group.

“I still have no idea what they are thinking,” said the president of the Tyler, Texas Mosque to me in 2010. “I think you almost have to be there to make sense of it all.”

This from someone who is closer, culturally, to Iraq than most Americans. What chance do the rest of us have?

But one thing is certain; contentious communication nets next to nothing. That’s true at home among ourselves, or between disparate international groups. Calm clarity is essential for progress. If the Holy Warriors, for example, explain their goal as “Making sure all Americans vanish from Iraq, now!” there remains a problem.

But if they want to stop the importation, say, of Hollywood immorality infiltrating their culture, bringing a sense of declination and decadence to their lives – things some even Americans say about Hollywood – then that is more addressable. A conversation can begin.

The problem is, we don’t know. This illustrates the critical role communication plays in arriving at possible solutions. This is true in life at home, the workplace, places of worship and between entire people groups. What is needed is skillful application of communication principles to extract the essence of a perceived problem.

Communication leading to resolution requires at least fives steps I am aware of, along with very important prerequisite; a desire to actually see reconciliation take place.

Without that, there is nothing. After that, skill takes over. These skills are applicable in the home, community, city, state or nation. It starts at home, though.

To help facilitate resolution in those different realms, begin with a simple checklist before the first words are spoken:

Is this the right place at the right time to bring up this matter? Am I speaking to the right person in the right way, with the right motivation? Too often, when these guidelines are forsaken, a time of “talking it out” can become more like “slugging it out.”

Pick a quiet place, where distractions are minimized and confidentiality can be preserved. I’ve seen adults regularly make very public displays of their grievances in a grocery story, or middle of the workplace. Don’t do this. Choose a time when your friend, co-worker or child  is free to talk, not having just received bad news, on the way somewhere or is being overworked. Don’t force the issues at inopportune times.

Pick the right person to talk to, not to talk about. Don’t air grievances to greater audience – ever. The residue from out-of-context conversations can last for year as the uninvolved remember offenses long after the offended are taken care of. In the end, trust will be broken.

The right way to converse reflects the right motivation. If you seek to “pin the blame” on the other person, than get ready for a fight. You may win a battle, but lose the war of relationships. No one wants to feel outmaneuvered by slick or fast talking.

The right motivation is to see everybody gain understanding by coming to a resolution where the parties are willing to bend, i.e., change. If vengeance is your aim, conversation and learning are dead.

To discover what is “wrong” together may lead to an understanding that is simply a concept of procedures that clashed. I have discovered that the words, “I was wrong, please forgive me,” are very effective when it comes to restoring working relationships in a wide range of applications.

Pursuing resolution in this manner will require patience, overlooking offenses and sacrificing personal comfort for a greater result. Perhaps that is why patience is emphasized so strongly in religion.

Wise communication facilitates better conflict resolution. Without communication, there will be no resolution. Infrequent contact among groups often leads to misconception and attribution of negative character traits, than may not exist at all. This can lead to serious repercussions. To help avoid those consequences, keep this basic list handy in you mind, and let the conversations begin.